The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.
Ladies, we are a confusing species, and unfortunately as we get older, we only get more confusing, more irrationally emotional, and more obsessed with painting on a veil of beauty that covers up and idealization of the ‘real you’, and blemishes… it also covers blemishes.
In the last 5 years, I have come to realize that women are NUTS! We are. We develop these strange and wonderful cultures and customs that make no sense, require YEARS of studying, and keep us from escaping the societal barriers of normality. For example, I can freeze my eggs until I’m 103 and have found the ‘perfect man’ which will probably be a fat vibrator with 98 different settings, 6 sound effects and comes with a Ryan Gosling movie (any will do!); I NEED a tool set in any baby hue, specifically pink even though i know that a) I’m never going to use the contents of this tool set aside from when i have to face the giant spider revolution that is surely coming my way, and b) a set of heels and a butter knife have come in handy more than once when putting my IKEA furniture together; and my natural face, skin tone and color is something that must NEVER, and i do mean NEVER see the light of day if i want to meet Mr. Right, or even Mr. Right now.
Why? Why is being of the female gender so difficult? Why is there so much make up, maintenance and time required for me to look slightly more attractive than The Grinch’s backside? And why is this stuff not taught to you when you are little and wanting to look like Madonna, Marylin Monroe or Kim Kardashian?
I am baffled by those girls that have seemingly stumbled into a plethora of knowledge when it comes to applying 3/4 of a ton of make up to their faces. How did they do it!? I have never really been interested in all things girly. I mean i love my shoes, i like looking pretty, and i like getting all dolled up. But my main problem is that i don’t know how…
Make up to me is foreign soil. I would happily compare it to how guys feel in the tampon isle. All the different colors, brands, textures and purposes. I mean do we really need bulking mascara? What is bulking mascara, and why am i paying $30 for a small tube? I love looking at the girls in the magazines and jealously stroking their perfectly foundation-ed faces, their smokey eyes and red velvet lips. But i just don’t’ have enough knowledge to do it myself.
I have scaled all of YouTube trying to find the perfect ‘make up tutorials’ only to find that half of these tutorials require prior knowledge of how to contour, highlight, blend and cat eye your eyeliner like a pro! I mean, really. It shouldn’t be that hard to slap on some foundation, run a pencil across the rim of my eyes and add a dash of color to my cheeks and eyelids. I’m smart. I have invested in my brain. I do have a vagina and therefore the emotions and urges that come with it. But i when i try, even to add something new to my look, i more often than not look like i have been shot in the face with Homer’s make up gun, with the setting not on whore, but on cheap back alley $2 whore. I must have been outside the door when they were giving this talent away.
Is make up really this hard? The relationship between women and makeup is a bumpy one. at one time, cosmetics signified that you were a whore. Red lips, hazy eyes. These traits symbolized and identified you as a harlot; a women of the night; sexually available and disease riddled (probably). But as the idea of beauty changed so did our perceptions. Make up became a staple in our homes. Men liked how we looked flawless, how our eyes mimicked the darkness of his whiskey, our lips matched our labia and how fantastically sweet we smelled. This idea has since followed us from the 18th century into the 21st and there is no sign that is will slow down. Now there is permanent makeup, eyeliner tattooing and so forth. God help you if you wake up next to a man you have causally taken home from a dank nightclub and your face is slightly smudged! Troll alert!
There is nothing wrong with wearing make up. I myself would love to apply smokey eyes with ease and not look like i have been crying for days. But the obsession with looking flawless, perfect and porceline-doll-like is a little bit overwhelming for me. The tubes, viles, compacts, pencils, and kits that i need to invest in all to go on a date is, well its concerning.
I like wearing make up, getting all done up and watching the guy or friends i am going to meet smile brightly at how wonderful i look. But i would like to express that all girls are not as educated in the art of make up, winged eyeliner and bronzer as others. And if, god forbid, you see me with no make up on. Looking natural, pale and possessing dark circles under my eyes, its probably because i have better things to do at 6 in the morning than smear crap all over my face. Men, you have it easy. You wake up, shower (sometimes) run your fingers through your hair and that’s it! Women, we are insane. We know it. But the end result, no matter how many times you had to redo your eyeliner, is worth it.